If I could go back to October and tell myself one thing, it would be this: you must fight.
You have to fight anger, sadness, unacceptance, fear, hopelessness, and physical pain on the day of your diagnosis and all the days that follow it.
A lot of days you do not want to keep pushing on, but you must. There is no alternative. There is no better life than the precious one you have now. You will come to understand this.
The day you hear the words of why your body is suffering, you will either feel relieved or devestated to finally know. You might feel both. It is okay.
You will start to feel a lot of different things and it is a natural human response. Do not think you are going crazy. You are not.
Your doctor may not utter the words “chronically ill.” Mine did not. He told me it would improve in 6-8 weeks and although it did, it was not at that pace. It took much longer because I was losing motivation to hang in there.
I would tell you to not Google your illness, but you probably will anyway. It is fine to learn the facts about it. Knowledge is power. But, it is not fine to slip into the darkness of online forums and support groups. Usually, the people commenting on these have hit rock bottom and they are craving for someone to pull them up.
Every case is different. Nobody gets to decide the outcome of this burden except yourself.
I have read many stories of those living with POTS. Some return back to school, continue on with their lives, and learn how to carry the pain around while still living. These people understand they still have breath and purpose. Other patients do the complete opposite. I even read one article about a college girl with my conditon who could not take it anymore and committed suicide.
Please do not choose the latter. Whatever your diagnosis is, it is not worth ending or limiting your life for.
I am aware there are physical setbacks and obstacles. There are going to be things you literally cannot do anymore, but you will not know your limits until you test them. Do not lock yourself up in your house. Get out and at least try to do things.
Trying is always key. Not necessarily succeeding, but just attempting to put one foot in front of the other.
Many days, this task will seem impossible.
When you are as sick are you are, if you focus completely on yourself and your progress and your symptoms and your pain, you will miss out on the beauty of community.
There are so many other people who understand your journey even when it feels like they do not. I wish I had known the truth during my hard season.
You know what the truth is?
You are loved.
Above finding the right medicine, getting into the best exercise routine, and catching enough zzz’s, is believing that you have purpose.
Purpose is what makes you get out of bed in the morning when it hurts like hell. Purpose is the voice that reminds you that nothing in life would be the same without you. It is a kind of hope that breaks through sorrow. It is believing that your pain is not wasted and something beautiful will come out of it. Purpose is resting in the fact that you are loved no matter what the condition or circumstance. You are always wanted and needed even when your mind and body says otherwise.
I hope you believed this before you were diagnosed. I hope you believe this when you are sitting in a cold, empty doctor’s office in tears. I hope you will believe this all the rest of your days and nights.
See the hardest part of getting a diagnosis is not the illness itself or the outcome of it, but the fact that your life will change forever.
And even though it seems like it’s only changing for the worse, you need to look again. Not all pain is bad.
There will be months you never cease to ask questions, then there will be times when you get all the answers.
But, if your heart is still wondering why you have a new label attached to you, just take a break. Rest. Be still. You can watch the world shake around you, but that does not mean you have to.
It is just an illness. Yes, it is incredibly strong. Yes, it is powerful. Yes, it has the ability to dictate your future..but so do you, my dear.
Today, if you just found out news you did not want to hear, please believe me that you will be okay. I am not saying your circumstance or symptoms will be better, because that is not always the case. But, if there is anything I have learned in my sixteen years, it is that humans have an amazing way of rising above the cruelty of this life.
Your future changes as of right now. Even your past may change because you finally understand why your body was crying all these years. But, the present is still here reminding you that you have made it to this point and you will make it again.
And just in case you’ve forgotten: you must fight.
one foot in front of you 